This Stuff

So, I’d stumbled upon this “Every Man Jack” brand at Target while looking for a body wash that was, maybe, a little more upscale than the $3 Suave I’d been getting, yet not some silly-priced salon brand. I know, how perfectly suburban of me to pamper myself (but not too much!) with shower gel. The original scent that I’d gotten was Sandalwood, or Cedarwood, or some similarly beige fragrance. I liked it – it lathered up nicely, smelled inoffensive if not downright manly; I guess that’s really all I need from a body wash.

[If you know me, and you’re picturing me in the shower now, I apologize. Here’s a couple seconds to compose yourself and shake the image. Try to think about baseball or something.

After finishing that first bottle, I was feeling adventurous, and found this Eucalyptus Mint flavor. Two fresh scents, I thought; this will surely invigorate me in the shower, and leave me feeling and smelling clean for hours, if not weeks! I popped the top. (Are you even supposed to do this? I always feel guilty, because what if I somehow got my germs in it, then put it back on the shelf? But how would you know if you liked the scent otherwise? And it’s soap, after all – how germy could I make it? This is what it’s like being me.) It smelled fine. A bit muted, perhaps, but then again, it was only a quick whiff before I recapped it and looked around for Security.

I don’t need to tell you that my next shower was highly anticipated. However, as I began to apply the product [take another moment if you need it – the Major League leaders in WAR as of 7/30/2017 are Altuve (6.0), Scherzer (5.8), Sale (5.5), Judge (5.2), and Simmons (5.2)], something quite unexpected… “Wow, this is a much stronger scent than I’d experienced in the store…very powerful. In fact, sort of unpleasant. Also, somehow familiar, though I can’t put my finger…”


What the fuck, Every Man Jack? Urinal cake? Who greenlighted this?

Thankfully, I was able to keep from gagging as I rinsed and got the hell out of my enclosed box of urinal cake. Then, I started to wonder: Why is the smell of urinal cake so gross? I mean, its job is to be a pleasant scent that masks an unpleasant one, right? Is it actually the mix of urinal cake and pee that is horrid, and this stuff, while actually smelling clean and fresh, causes some Pavlovian (or is it Skinnerian? Certainly not Freudian. I digress.) response? And how did I not know that urinal cake was eucalyptus and mint in the first place?
I still don’t have answers to any of these questions.

The next time it was time to shower, well, I had no other body wash besides Every Man Jack Urinal Cake. So I showered in it. And, because I’m a cheap bastard as well as a lazy one, I kept showering in it until it was empty. And, I’ve gotta tell ya:

I started to like it.

But I went back to the Beigewood scent anyway.