Except When She Does

I never poop on walks.


Scout never poops on walks.

So, I never carry a poop bag. I don’t know why; I just find it inconvenient to carry one, and besides, she never poops on walks.
But when she does, it’s horrifying. Because I hate for people to think that I’m the type of person who just lets his dog crap anywhere and doesn’t pick it up. So I have this pantomime that I do, in case someone is watching (and I know that someone is watching. If I see someone out with a dog, and said dog is dropping a deuce, you’re damn sure I’m watching until that poop is picked up. Call me the Poop Nazi*):

  1. I make this shocked face as I scan my surroundings to see if I can find the watcher(s).
  2. I point to the poop, as if in disbelief that this could have come from my dog.
  3. I turn my pockets inside-out, to convey to my unseen judge/jury that I totally forgot that bag that I’m so diligent about carrying.
  4. Finally, I walk my fingers down my arm, showing me scurrying home, and then back, to do my duty with respect to the doody.

(Apologies for the poor description. It’s definitely a visual bit, and you have to be there, but hopefully you get the gist.)

So all that is what I usually do. But today’s poop…today’s poop was special. Today’s poop was:

  • Along a major thoroughfare, not a residential street.
  • About as far from our house as we get on the walk.
  • As far from a parking spot as we get on a walk. Hey, I’m not walking back here.
  • Four distinct dumplets, spaced about every 50 feet. This may have been three days’ worth.

I know that my pantomime isn’t going to work here. I know exactly who’s watching: every driver in every car. And they’re going to judge, and go on their way. Four poops worth of drivers. My very own walk of shame.

I hope that felt great, Scout.

Anyway, when I went back, I ended up bagging five dumplets, so I was somebody’s guardian angel today.
You’re welcome. Pay it forward.


* Is it still okay to use the word “Nazi” with humorous intent? Or is it inappropriate now that actual Nazis are a thing again? I welcome your comments.